Poland can be many things to many people, depending on whom you ask. To the person seeking (more) info on their ancestors, it’s a treasure trove of information, facts and discoveries that lead to new explorations and also clarifications. To the Erasmus student it is a funfair that lasts as long as the exchange, with lots of drinking stories to take back home and store in the memory bank for nostalgic trips to way back when. For the incel it is the sudden fulfillment of all his hopes and dreams when he meets the girl who “still knows how to express her gratitude”. Ditto the conservative, whose eyes light up when they see perfect wife and family material everywhere they look (bar the ones that don’t fit their aesthetic, who then either get sworn at or completely overlooked). Then there’s the bachelor parties and boys’ trips perpetrators who will just do what they will because by the time the hangover is gone, so is any memory of the trip, except for that video floating around on social media, highlighting the top moments of that experience for everyone to see, and eclipsing all the uncool components of that trip. 

Remember it or not, here’s a quick list of things that – earlier or later – could befall all of the above or could be of interest to them. If they really want to get to know Poland that is. Some things mentioned here will only concern a select few, others could happen to anybody. And some are skeletons that need to be dragged into the open sooner rather than later for the good of everyone involved as well as generations present and past. So here they are, in no particular order. The level of tongue in cheek with which you read this is entirely up to you. 

10. The Driving 

After taking my first foray into public transportation in Warsaw, I began to understand why people on various Icelandic forums were complaining about the bus drivers and their driving. It is no secret that regardless where you are in the world, if you happened to throw a stick into a crowd you’d hit a Pole. That’s a direct quote from, I want to say, either Hungary or Poland, but its origin escapes me at the moment. Poles are indeed everywhere, and if you attend a social function you never have to look far to find the Pole, or for the Pole to find you. 

There’s something about Polish drivers that mirrors the customer service Polish speakers are only too often confronted with. I’m told also non-Polish speakers, but it has to be a “having the right – or wrong – look” issue, because whenever I ordered in Polish, nine times out of ten the service would be abysmal (to be extremely diplomatic) but when I ordered in English in 9 cases out of ten they couldn’t have been nicer (not by anglo standards, but when measured against the Polish customer service experienced by myself and those close to me (a huge part of whom is Polish). Darker skinned friends and acquaintances have not fared so well, and those wearing a headcovering even worse. It’s an attitude of utter “sourliness” at having to be there, serving you and being in this demeaning position. And activating the attitude of, if I can’t have a good day neither will you, and I will inconvenience you every step of the way because I can. 

9. The Collective Shoulder Check

Is the natural follow on from 10. Any capital has its people bumping and shoving, but Poland seems to thrive on an extreme that exceeds any anglo standard when it comes to pushing and shoving others out of the way. Be it the old grandmother type who has to take that seat (which quite honestly any elderly person should be entitled to, but also the sick and the weak and those who are not visibly way past their coping point) or the very able bodied man in his thirties who needs to get to his next thing. This isn’t exclusive to Poland, but considering how many Poles sing the praises of a country that can never do no wrong, it’s worth mentioning, because entitlement is never pretty, and when it’s combined with gaslighting it needs to be called out. 

8. People Making You Feel Guilty for Taking Up Space

This ties in with 9 above but deserves its own paragraph (or two). There is an attitude in Polish society, which makes it all too clear that if you don’t fit in, you really shouldn’t be there. And that standard of who gets a seat at the cool kids table is determined by the person who can kick and shove their way to the top. Can’t stand on the bus as a young person? Tough luck. Why are you even on the bus? You should be home cleaning, cooking, scrubbing for when your husband comes home. Can’t keep up with the pace we’re setting? The wolves will come get you (metaphorical or otherwise). There is only one place in Polish society and that is all the way at the top, and if you get thrown off on your way there, well tough luck and move out of the way. 

7. Jadowska

Aneta Jadowska is a popular author who writes about the fantastical and whose works speak of psychopomps, witches and other interesting entities that help solve crimes, get themselves (and others) into various misadventures and generally try to make sense of life while being open to the paranormal around us. 

I’m sure I will have much more to report once I actually manage to read them, because at present I’m slogging through her collection of short stories on the witch family in a nice Polish town who despite getting into the odd mishap is most beloved by their neighbors and readers for keeping their hometown safe and clean of darker presences. It’s a slog because even though I have been speaking Polish all my life, I never learned to read or write until the day I was given this book by someone very near and dear to my heart, who made me believe in family again. 

The author herself really flies against the wisdom of never meet your heroes, as can be seen when joining her Facebook group (at present only available in Polish) and in interviews. It’s been a long time I wanted to engage with an author on a deeper level and really pick their brain not just because of their writing (which in this case is awesome and makes me so happy that I started reading Polish with her book) but because of their personality, which feels like a hug and really makes you feel like you are a close friend. 

6. Free Days at Museums

Ok, short and sweet here, because every European city has them, But some people might not be aware that Poland, too, has this sweet deal, and quite honestly, whether you like them or not, a night at the museum is always a cool thing. 

5. Ciocia Monika’s Cheesecake and a Kickass Veggie Salad

We all have an Aunt WhatEverHerNameBe or Uncle WhatEverHisNameBe who does bomb desserts. Made extra special because she will only make them on the most special of occasions, so pretty much once or twice a year (tops). If they live with Uncle WhatEverHisNameBe who makes bomb veggie salads (so that vegans and non vegans can both have their due share), or are closely enough related to him, and they have another family member (or very close neighbor who’s most welcome at the family function or BBQ, so basically making the neighbor and additional family member), you’re pretty much sorted for any and all family functions. 

4. The WWII Secrets Your Family (most likely) Harbors if You Have Polish Relatives. 

Poland had a weird status if you ask some and was both hero and superhero in its own narrative if you ask my relatives, who actually were alive during WWII. One said she had to smuggle bread her mother made into the ghetto as a child, but it wasn’t clear if that bread was being given away or sold. The narrative always varied on this one, and given the narrator’s narcissistic tendencies, who knew the truth. Based on what I know of her father (who truly was an angel in every sense of the word) that bread would have been given away for free. Based on what I know of her mother, that bread could have been sold to make an extra buck because her mother was a very shrewd woman. If I ever choose to reveal this later on down the road and touch on the other family secrets other than ethnic heritage, check back here to see why I refer to this person as a relative and not how you would expect me to classify them.

3. A Relative in Every Country and on Every Continent

I will boldly state that unless they have really been cut off their entire family tree, every Pole outside of Poland can trace at least one close relative in Poland. Whether they want to continue being in touch with them, or how they see them is a whole other story, but they are most certainly there, cringing at the way the family name is “being murdered” in the other country, ditto traditions, thoughts and values. But at the same time mentally (or verbally) calculating the worth of this new relative and how they can be used to advance someone’s career path abroad be it the plotter or someone very close to them. Relatives need not apply.

2. It is Possible to Get Your Annoying Relatives Out of Your Life

Father and mother are saints whose hands shall, and must be, kissed on every occasion for the “sacrifices they have made to get their children to where they presently are.” And this, by extension, also applies to family, relatives and very extended family. With all of this, it’s easy to see how one might think that having a family and relatives really is for better or for worse. And that you can’t get rid of them even if they have slept with your father while living with you, cheated you out of your heritage and demanding money for this act long after having lived with you or instigate shit against you after having lived with you. And yes, these are all separate incidents of personal experience. 

Well, you can. Get rid of the heritage (even if it spells a loss, because in the long run you will come out winning) this way they have nothing to hold over you and you show them that you really don’t care. Then get rid of their numbers, emails and block them wherever you can. 

Remember that old adage / piece of advice that gets trotted out everywhere? Along the lines of, if they don’t lift you up, you don’t need them in your life? The same applies to relatives. If they don’t make you feel secure, and on the contrary only put you down to the point you dread meeting them, get the hell away from them if and when you can. It might be more complicated than that in some cases. But if you’re in a situation of, do I or don’t I want to meet with that person and here’s the reason(s) why, then run away as quickly and as fast as you humanly can (they’re not worth summoning something over, and quite frankly again, they might have very well summoned that very same thing themselves, willingly or unwittingly). 

1. One-upmanship to Get Ahead and Cement Your Position of Superiority

This ties in with points 10, 9 and 8 above. I know you can’t generalize, and really you shouldn’t. And then, too, some people are different everywhere and there are always exceptions to the rule. But Polish society seems to run on a finely tuned wheel of (you must) always prove your worth (and then prove it again the next day). Come in as a foreign language teacher looking for work, and you’d be forgiven for thinking you’ve landed on some kind of prank show where students will only accept you as a teacher if you have a PhD in any field, regardless of how well you actually speak the language in which they want to improve their skills. This isn’t of course true for all, but it flags up more than in other countries. A diploma is everything and showing off what you know when meeting an expert becomes more important than using this chance to dig deeper into the subject by asking questions of said expert. Bonus points if you can outdo him (if only in your mind). And it’s usually a he, because a woman just can’t be smarter than a man, because he is God. With the exception of Marie Sklodowska, of course, who rose to fame serving a man. Because in the Polish narrative, all the glory should have gone to their fellow citizen. The fact that she had to leave the country and study elsewhere because girls weren’t allowed to pursue an education beyond what was deemed adequate for them in Poland at the time is completely glossed over and swept underneath the carpet.

Everyone has to be an expert and this could account for the gross self-inflation taking place in too many cases, where your friendly neighborhood Pole will tell you that he (or she) speaks X language really well or is a master in the subject matter of Y when they can barely string together three words and their pronunciation does not match the value they have given themselves. Great for the chutzpah factor – and I’m all for that extra bit of chutzpah in anyone’s life – but it’s a pity how much gets lost in this “fight to show I’m right” mentality, because if only people dared to admit they don’t know everything and dared to ask questions, so much more could be achieved. At the very least, less people would suffer from feelings of inadequacy and the burnouts, illnesses and conditions that come with them.