It’s that time of the year again, where spring cleaning coincides with First Communion prep, embedded into attendance at church, last minute shopping and that final, mad desperate rush for presents. It’s not just about the family being together, it’s also about being seen – at church, in the neighborhood and perhaps most importantly at the family-catered dinner table in a top of the line restaurant that’s just top of the line enough to make guests ooh and ah but not too much so as to start gossip or / and frequent family visits to said family after which something of great value that is easily transportable always goes missing. Here too, as in all other places, everything visible to the public eye i.e. the eye of those not paying, has to be perfect. 

It is a perfection expected on (too) many levels, designed to fail because it is humanly impossible to fulfill even half of its expectations. Despite, or maybe precisely because of, that punishment when these fulfillments are not met is swift, hard and cruel in its execution. At least that is the standard in too many places where a Polish woman must show to the world that she can. It is even written in stone (or what society deems the equivalent of the Stone Tablets): Polka potrafi! A battle cry that echoes through the metaphorical halls and bounds from the equally metaphorical walls of Polish society. 

A concept that covers a wide range of areas but usually includes at least some of the holy trinity of specifications (detection of level to which this is exaggerated (or not) is completely and utterly optional): 

• She can make sure that all members of her family turn out to where they have to be, repeatedly, dressed to the nines, impeccably mannered and visibly well cared for. In Poland this usually means that the girls are no shorter than 5”7 and no taller than 5”8 weighing no more than 100 pounds on the dot, and not a single pound over. 
• She can – and will – make sure that her entire family will be shining. If they outshine this is even better, because it means she has married the right man whose intelligence will shine on in the children. That he will abandon them to shack up with another is a whole other matter (and never spoken about). It is also completely and utterly beside the point. In Poland only that which can be bragged about (and will make other people jealous) is talked and bragged about. The rest remains where it has been deeply buried. 
• She can and will make sure that her husband (always the husband, never the boyfriend) will never have to feel shame when it comes to her, be that in appearance, behavior, actions or words. In any and all situations she will always defer to him and make his intelligence shine, thus marking his superiority over her and those around the golden couple. 

It is as nonsensical a concept as the initial saying was, when it was uttered and created during socialism in 1972 then rendered as “Polak potrafi!” Using the male designator to rally a battlecry meant to echo through Poland in praise of the steel workers, who needed to work extra in order to fulfill their country’s needs, plus the tithing to the Russians / Soviets. It makes sense to use it as a designator for those workers who came up with innovative concepts on the job, for the smugglers and petty criminals to come up with ideas and for students to get through exams and then continue drinking because “student potrafi!” And so, of course it makes sense to use it for Polish women who can – and will – power through beyond physical and mental strength. It is nonsensical, and yet it makes total sense. 

It is not an easy feat being a woman in Polish society (though that is the truth everywhere), living up to impossible expectations, knowing that every action, every breath will be met with harsh criticism. For it is a universal fact that in trying to please others we never manage to live up to anyone’s expectations, mainly because the goal posts are constantly being moved, seemingly with each achievement that we think we have made. Despite this, she must follow society’s constant(ly changing demand) to the letter. Where she is to keep herself updated on this ever changing information and how is anyone’s guess, but like her family’s standing and prestige in society, it is once again / yet again entirely up to her, with little to no help from others. 

A Polish woman must also play by the rules, and the rules are plenty. This means for instance that after a certain age, she is not allowed to wear colors, behave in a manner that will draw attention to herself through action, speech, manner or dress or in any way, shape or form attempt to share her wisdom lest it be to subdue another female while elevating any and all males around her. Be they a stranger or friend, family member or foe, newborn or much closer to death in terms of age. Regardless of age, regardless of status, regardless of standing in society’s perceived hierarchy. She must also condemn any child that does not fit into the mould, but considering the hold that conservative thought has via many congregations all around the nation, this should not be too big a problem as she has been trained from birth to abide by the rules of God via the priest(s) in her church, her father and then countless peers / neighbors colleagues. 

There are, of course, countless relationships where this is not the case. Where men pitch in just as much as women when it comes to matters of the house such as cooking, cleaning and paying bills. But they are sadly quite few and indeed far between, as is the case in most conservative societies. I didn’t pick up on it as much when I was a kid and visiting relatives. Mainly because I wasn’t aware of how male identified women could be, that this even was a thing. By the time I realized, I had outgrown the compulsory visits to the relatives that never resulted in holiday invitations but instead spelled a token invitation here or there well after the actual holiday. And quite frankly I had many better things to do than worry about the machinations of Polish society (like my newfound freedom of not having to engage with it beyond the odd annoying male or female I happened to run into, who could quickly be written off). 

But now that I look at it from the vantage point of perspective and of not having to participate in it if I don’t want to it really makes me wonder if societies where everything but especially clearly defined roles of what each person must be seem to be set in stone have always been conservative because that’s how they feel, or did they turn conservative because someone decided to set things in stone and proclaimed that from now on this is how things were going to be.