Well, not entirely, but the branding – quite literally – is on point. I’m not even sure how to begin this. When I first moved to Helsinki there was a particular place I really liked and would go to a lot. I became a fixture there. It was a great place to hang out with very special perks. Like being able to send a message to a friend working there when I was in a rush and hungry, telling him approximately when I’d be arriving and what I wanted. So easy to come in, sit down, take off my coat and get my food handed to me, fresh from the kitchen. Or being able to leave my bags there, when I was meeting someone for a project. Then repeating that when I was going from a place of worship to a party. So many examples. And the food was great. 

Then they lost (or fired) their chef, rebanded. For a while the food was still ok. And my friends were still there, so it was worth coming there. And then too, it was literally on my way to everything from where I was living then. More serious grocery shopping? Check. Going out to places that were not on my doorstep? Check. Going to classes? In some cases this involved a small(ish) detour, but for the most part, check. Any which way you spun it, the place was perfection. Even when my friends left, and new ones came in. 

It lasted quite a while. The food wasn’t always stellar, but there were still gems here and there, and in times of doubt there was always the chance to get a burger. Or fries. Both if not pretty decent, at least fairly edible, and at least it wasn’t as bad as the hamburger chain known as “Finland’s answer to Burger King.” This isn’t a diatribe on fast food chains, because there are quite a few that make decent enough food (looking at you Wendy’s and Popeye’s and in Finland especially, McDonald’s). 

But then Finland discovered food culture. As in, hey, we could do this too! And the more that idea prevailed, the more places jumped on board, Even the more established ones. Then again, maybe the way they managed to keep being established was to go with the times. And to go with the flow. 

So this Once Great Place tried the same. And it didn’t go under. They implemented lunches, they started using (more) organic food, as someone who worked there put it when I asked them if the food was getting more expensive, “not only that, but the portions are getting smaller.” To be fair, they could have done anything and their loyal followers would have still remained patrons. That’s the thing with a Finnish fan base, they will follow you to the grave and defend you on the way there. 

Weaving that fine line between what they once were (and in truth the reason for becoming the establishment they remain to this day, though of course not through the food, which is merely an added extra to get additional money in the bank, not unlike George Clooney making Nespresso commercials to obtain money he could then funnel into artistic projects) meant that people would mindlessly follow along, deeming everything that came as great, because it was being put out by a place they loved, cherished and respected. So long as the changes weren’t too drastic, which the establishment provided. 

Until they recreated the po’boy (which no person from Louisiana would recognize as being such, much less anyone from New Orleans). It never appeared on the menu again, not even for lunch, so presumably they realized that some things really are better left untouched. Lesson learned, expect they decided to continue with the one item on their menu that had always been consistent, which is completely in line with the Finnish trend of the day: the burger. 

If you’re looking for that burger your godfather made at the annual cookout, forget it. You won’t find that here. What you will find is Finnish creations dripping with all kinds of mayonnaise (and of course blue cheese, that dreaded ingredient for yours truly), on all kinds of fancy bread, with all kinds of fancy sides. And this particular burger in question was no exception. 

Let me just sidetrack to state that I know no one will ever recreate a burger of my godfather’s caliber. His burgers were made with love, the secrets of making a great burger learned in Alabama, and most of us the complicity he and I shared from knowing we were the only two people within a family radius who thought alike. Frank could have patented his burgers and sold them, and he would have become rich, no matter where he was. And maybe he might have done that, if life and other authorities over our destiny had not intervened. But never in his life would he have dreamed of branding them. I’m still trying to digest that, so there might be another post on this in the near future. 

It was an interesting meal of burger, fries and lettuce from the salad bar that started and ended its life in what my sister describes as “steamy and sad” when we go grocery shopping in the salad section. The ketchup in its little dipping bowl (no issues with the bowl itself, which was kind of cute in its own way) looked as though it was still trying to absorb the vinegar and sugar the tomato sauce had been subjected to. The ten (!!!) fries must have been counted by hand like they were chicken nuggets, to ensure not one stray fry made it onto the plate. All this to be eaten with a knife and fork, because I have yet to see a Finn actually eat a burger with their hands. And of course the branding on the top of the burger, which don’t even get me started. And just made me think if they’re preparing for the summer festivals and want to ensure that people actually find the burgers they bought for them at summer festivals after a hit of alcohol or drugs. 

I deeply regret spending 17.50 Euros (including a Coke, because I like having soft drinks with my burgers, and I also have issues with the drink because one small can of the type you get on airplanes really should not cost 3.50 Euros). 

Bottomline, do I recommend this place? If you want to have good food for a price you’d deem worth it, you’re better off going to that Finnish hamburger chain that knows its bad and will therefore be the last to close on the international ferry food courts to make sure they can get some sort of money. And I’d much rather have a faceoff / staring contest with a chicken than eat at that Finnish hamburger hamlet (no offense to the real deal). If however, you want to experience a Finnish interpretation of an un-Finnish food – and you have money to burn – by all means go there. 

The coffee provided with lunch was actually pretty good. And the chocolates provided (Finnish brand, of course, because I have yet to see Finns actually provide chocolates that are not Finnish) were a nice touch. Just to end on a positive note. But if I could ask the chef one question, it would be, “are you going through your midlife crisis and want to create something extra?” Because being there myself, I know exactly how that feels.