Finns pride themselves on many things, and one of the things they will humblebrag on – alongside their claim to honesty, drinking capabilities and high tolerance of cold temperatures (due largely with the aid of the former) – is their concept of friendship. “A Finnish friend is a friend for life,” they will tell you. And that is true to a certain extent, until it isn’t. 

I have friends in Finland who count me as their friend despite never reaching out via message, phone or social media. According to them, “unless I tell you that we’re not, we are friends” and that includes going decades without speaking. I’ll take their word at face value, despite misgivings along the lines of phone numbers and addresses changing, so if they also withdraw from social media (which many of the people I know do), how are you then supposed to find each other again? But ok, friends we decided to be and friends we shall be until told otherwise. 

But then there are the other friends, the one who just dropped off the face of the earth, seemingly without reason. I get it, as a CCK who moved around all the time, I really get it. We are constantly losing friends – even despite social media – because that’s just how we were raised. Being GenX, I did find a lot of my childhood and college friends on social media, but many were lost to the memories that remain, because of small details: we forgot each other’s last name, or there are too many with the same name(s). Or we only remember the one nickname they no longer use, or can’t even remember where they lived or might have moved to.

So I get it, but here’s the thing. This is part of a life we lived and accepted. Now in Finland I am being made promises (as many Finns have told me, a Finn’s word is as good as a signed contract) and I am being told that not only is a Finnish friend a friend for life, but a Finn is also the most reliable person there is. 

If that is the case, then why are so many Finns constantly flaking out on us? I’ve experienced this myself and keep hearing it back. It’s always the same pattern (in this respect said Finns are very much reliable) and it goes something like this: 

• Finn reaches out or replies to message. 

• Finn agrees to meet. 

• Finn either flakes out right before, doesn’t confirm or just plain doesn’t show up, despite confirming. With the code of silence and ethos of “only using words when absolutely necessary, because to us, silence is gold” it is hard to tell if a non-reply to a please-confirm email / message constitutes a yes or merely means “leave me alone.” 

And on the rare occasions that said Finn does show up to the meeting, this doesn’t mean anything, as many times all contact either ended there or after a few follow up meetings. This despite proclamations all over social media that “we take friendship very seriously” and all of the above.

When silence is at a premium, it is as hard to tell what is sincere and what isn’t as it is in those societies Finns deem unreadable, unreliable and flaky due to their “incessant endless empty promises and mindless chatter.”