When I was younger, I didn’t really think about it that much, because Christmas was Christmas and between my neighbor’s mom and mine they had a whole plan cooked up when it came to Christmas Eve. I’d be in my room with my parents, the doorbell would ring and then my mom would announce that Baby Jesus had arrived but he was very shy and would only talk to her. Now that I think about it, I do remember feeling gutted at not having seen Baby Jesus, and somewhere deep inside me there was the thought that I must have done something wrong and surely if only I’d done this, that or the other He would have let me see him. At that point not going to church wasn’t an option. On the one hand because it was drummed into me that I had to or else God would punish me (the punishment was vague enough to leave space for my own imagination but also implied God separating me from my family and everything I held near and dear, though He did do that in Chicago when we had to move – at least that’s what it seemed like to my childlike brain).
But somewhere between my teens and one too many visits to the relatives in Poland, I realized what everyone realizes sooner or later. No matter how chill you are, the minute you let that one person into your midst who puts pressure on Christmas, you’re pretty much guaranteed a whole lot of stress. Between feeling the need to impress everyone around you, feeding off someone else’s energy (and let’s face it, no matter how good and how careful you are, there’s always that one moment when your shields aren’t up and bam, that’s when they get you) or just being where you really don’t want to be, the holiday of peace and love can be anything but.
And the truth is, it’s really not your fault. There are energy vampires among us just as there are opportunists and gold diggers (of any and all genders) and no matter how many of the good guys you have around, it only takes one to ruin the whole holiday for you. So just for shits and giggles, here’s a quick list of the five types I’ve been surrounded by all my life (any more and we’d be here all night) and a sixth that is becoming more and more rampant these days. And of course, they are not mutually exclusive, in fact more often than not they exist within the same person with some types being more dominant than others. Feel free to add your own.
Thank you to the lovely model, Mia, who was present at a Christmas Eve dinner at a place that taught me everything about Christmas, where I always felt welcome and that made me realize a few home truths in several ways. We all need a furry friend presence in hard times and since looking at animal videos calmed me down immensely when I was down and didn’t have any animals around, I’m hoping Mia will help some of you, too.
- The Narcissist
No matter how much they decorate the room and in fact the entire premise “for the kids,” this one really wants to make it all about Them with a T. The presents will be beautiful but run the risk of being pretty much useless, that’s because the entire idea is to show what great taste they have, and that is always (somehow) connected to money. The gift they give will always be expensive, though it can run the risk of being ostentatious rather than useful in any way, shape or form (which it usually is). The idea is always to put the Narcissist in the best possible light where they can shine. Any attention diverted from them will result in an existential crisis for them, not unlike a toddler having attention taken from them. And just like a toddler they will resort to attention-grabbing tactics to bring attention back to them.
How to deal with them
Do not engage, praise the bejesus out of them just to get them off your back and know that the more they feel they are being ignored the more they will try to engage. Remember that whatever you tell them can – and will – be used against you at a point in time that is most convenient for them and most vulnerable for you. If they pry too much – and they will – just divert attention away from you by praising something about them. Because to the Narcissist there can only ever be one person, the one it’s all about: Me, Me, Me.
- The Victim
No one works more and has it harder than the victim. They will slave away for the 48 hours before the Christmas dinner refusing any and all help because “if I won’t do it, no one can.” They (seem to) take pride in slaving away by the stove, near the oven and scrubbing the floor on their knees with a toothbrush when a roomba and a decent mop would do perfectly well. If you’re picking up some (very well hidden) hardcore resentment, you’re absolutely spot on. The victim is catering to deeply seated trauma they’ve been subjected to since early childhood, and while that is most definitely not their fault, not everyone who was subjected to this trauma comes out of it wanting to drag everyone down with them in a cloud of perpetual sorrow and sadness. You can feel the victim arrive before you see them, because you will start feeling heavy and sad as though the weight of the world had suddenly descended upon your shoulders. Alternatively, you might all of a sudden feel like punching something or someone without knowing where that feeling came from.
How to deal with them
It’s important to realize that the victim’s problems are not yours. If you offered to help and they did not accept, yet they insist on “suffering through it” that is their choice entirely. You can of course reason with them and try to ease their burden, but if they insist on playing to your emotions for pity points then you have exceeded your capacities and in order to preserve your own sanity the only reasonable thing to do is to walk away the first chance you get. This may not always be easy or possible, so give yourself some grace and know that you’ve done everything in your power and then some. For those who believe in it, a mental image of a protective bubble can work. And don’t forget to reward yourself once you’re free of their clutches and able to breathe again.
- The Showoff
Whether it’s whipping out the latest cell phone in order to check the remote alarm system so everyone at the table, in the room and on the entire premise gets a prime view of their pimped out pad or they just casually drop where they’ve been on vacation, or how much their car cost if you didn’t have the good grace to bring it up yourself, the showoff needs to feed their ego because without that much needed ego boost there’s no point in existing. The only way of knowing their true value is to know that they have more material things than their neighbor or the person they happen to be talking to. Once they realize that the person they are so desperate to impress actually outranks them in material worth (or status), they quickly lose interest. The showoff lives to fill a void, and that can only be filled with luxury items, ideally ones that can be replaced the minute a better one hits the market, though with the recent push towards sustainability there might be new standards such as how much they are doing for the environment and how no one could possibly surpass that.
How to deal with them
One way is just to have fun and either let them ramble or tell them that you’ve actually spotted a more expensive item or you know someone who has a more expensive item (that someone can also be yourself, but then you have to be really casual about it, then again if you’re already engaging on that level, mastery of that delivery should really not be a problem). The showoff needs to feed a very fragile ego, one that can only be fed by the knowledge that they have somehow magically surpassed their neighbors, acquaintances and colleagues, not to mention relatives. One good thing to come from all this bragging is that it can give you a good idea of what’s out there and how it is perceived. You might as well pick up some extra info since you’re probably bored out of your mind if you’re the kind of person who likes to give and take in interactions and conversations. One way of dealing with that type is to just give praise where praise is due, so that if you notice something nice about them, by all means mention it and compliment them on it. Bonus points if you can do it in a way that shows you are doing it from the bottom of your heart without buying into the routine of feeding their ego.
- The Moocher
There are those who honestly have very little to no money and then there are those who make a sport out of it. They will arrive at your house at the precise time dinner is about to be served or just long enough before so as to wrangle an invite. The first ones to ask for something, they are always the last ones to give, frequently amidst heartfelt proclamations of how giving, caring and kind they are (sometimes their audience might even hear a variation of “I am just too kind”). The moocher has an uncanny ability to show up when there is plenty to be had and the best one at hiding when help is needed or might be needed. None of which stops them from prying and pumping you for what they want to have. They might buy you a coffee for your troubles or otherwise sweeten the pot but beware of the trap being laid. What seems like such a sweet gift is the equivalent of a scammer placing some money in the hat before launching into the whole begging and sob story spiel. The moocher always takes more than they give and this is by design. Many will even pass this philosophy / lifestyle on to their offspring. Anything even remotely good they hear about, they will want for themselves, often belittling the person who has what they want. Driven by a mixture of inadequacy and resentment, the moocher has no shame in their game and will often resort to trite platitudes in a pretense of compassion.
How to deal with them
Making yourself as unappealing as possible to them can go a long way in getting them off your back. The moocher needs to feed off something and when they believe that the fountain has dried up or is no longer in use, they are very quick to move on. They can be identified pretty easily by sidling up to the most prestigious person in the room, or the one they perceive to be of the highest status. They will be looking for any and all opportunities to get something out of someone. One tactic of course is to beat them at their own game by turning the tables on them and asking them for something first. After that it’s really up to you how far you want to push it.
- The Inquisitively Intrusive
In my experience they tend to be deliberate squinters, as though they really wanted to ward off access to their non-existent souls. They don’t only amass information because one day it might come in handy but rather because it is the fuel and nutrition they thrive and survive on. They have an opinion on everything but even though they are tone deaf (whether by desire or lack of choice is a case by case study) they still manage to pry into the very things you’d much rather not talk about. They also know everything better than you and know exactly how you should live your life, how many children you should have at what intervals and whom you should marry at what age. Their uncanny instinct of asking precisely the question that will sting and hurt you the most is a talent they could have put to better use (like predicting the stock market and using that money to help a community in need) but they chose to inflict pain and discomfort because knowing precisely how to hit your most vulnerable point is a talent they are mighty proud of though not one many normal people would take pride in developing (unless it was to disarm their enemies). Usually they tend to go straight in and right for the jugular but some take their time and will even butter you up. Some tactics might also include a pretense of bonding over “traditional subjects to bond over” such as dissatisfaction with one’s weight, a current diet and its merits or relationship woes. An increasingly popular subject is “the danger of multiculturalism” which is a whole subject in and of itself.
How to deal with them
This group wants to inflict pain. Whether that is because they are so bitter and lonely they want to drag everybody down or they need someone else’s pain as fuel to sustain whatever life force keeps them alive instead of a soul again depends on each individual. Forewarned is forearmed here, so that you can be steady and grounded like a tree (about to be hit by a cyclist furiously pedaling down the hill). The key is to not let them get to you and knowing that this is precisely their goal can go a long way. Here it is important to continue standing your ground and not give in when they give off a false sense of kindness or / and remorse. If you have countered an exclamation of “ooh are you pregnant” with “nah, I’m just fat,” – kudos for getting the words out before the wandering hand reaches your stomach – this is what you’re rolling with, even if the person tries to back track and fake apologizes. Your response should still remain somewhere along the lines of “I’m just fat,” delivered in the most deadpan way you can muster. Though if you’re feeling really brave you could attempt a clap back to end all clap backs, along the classics of, “so when are you getting married?” – “Dunno, when are you planning on dying?”
- The Nationally-minded Populist
This one keeps popping up more and more and interestingly with more than one, religious fervor and national pride tend to go hand in hand. Polarization is the name of the game and they either want to stir shit up, cause trouble, make you really uncomfortable or all of the above. They are in a cult, the cult of nationality, and there’s precious nothing you can do about it. Many will also display patriarchal ideals to rival those of the Middle Ages while evoking the “good old times.” Women have to abide by a strict – not to mention ultra restrictive – code of what’s right and what is wrong. Gender (and remember there are only two – he and she) roles are set in stone and the female (not woman, always female) must always please the male, from whom she must also take her cues. The world is going to hell in a handbasket and only their self-proclaimed savior can save them and everyone else. Anything Other is bad, really, really bad. Muslims are bad, Jews even worse (those two are interchangeable and one will be substituted for the other as need arises) and there is no safety in the world anymore. The world is very black or very white with no room for any nuance in between. Their way is the only way and their thoughts are the only ones that matter. Not willing to even listen to another opinion, they will take any and every chance to proclaim how the world has done them dirty and how the Fatherland will suffer for it, if it isn’t suffering already.
How to deal with them
Admittedly I’m still working on this one. This group operates on cliches driven by fear. They have a savior, who was frequently the first (and only one) to point out the current problem, which is always the unwelcome presence of the Other. And this very savior is the only one who can save them and – you guessed it – the Fatherland. The path to this Special Salvation is by blindly obeying the new savior (as everyone else is conspiring against them, usually by attacking said savior) and knowing God, who will guide the Fatherland, which must be kept pure at all cost. Anything that deviates from this script is unwelcome because it would open up the path to new ideas. Not engaging them in conversation is easier said than done, as they will not miss a chance to bring it up, and that means creating a chance to start talking about their ideology. As their tactic is built around the creation of a common enemy who must always be attacked one way would be to just let them talk it out by listening. Interjections to convey agreeing without agreeing could also help i.e. “X is such a liar.” – “I can imagine it’s hard if someone in power turns out to be a liar.” Though this is immensely taxing. People who look for an enemy and would rather spread hate than love, who want to spread discord rather than unity, do not want to hear an opinion that would contradict theirs. They just want to be right. Find your tribe, people who like you seek not to divide but to unite and take it from there.
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